TAAFI Opening Sketch

 

In 2012 I was honoured to be asked to write a sketch for the opening night of the first Toronto Animation Arts Festival International (TAAFI). To tie into the opening night film, the sketch was to be a funny interaction between too barbarians.

 

 

 

BARBARIAN SKETCH FOR TAAFI OPENING NIGHT

Written by

Emer Schlosser

 

 

2 barbarians come out grunting out onto stage.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Hear me! Hear me!

 

BARBARIAN 2

I hear yee! I hear yee! Why ya shoutin’?

 

BARBARIAN 1

Cause it's an auspicious evening.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Au-wha?

 

BARBARIAN 1

Auspicious. As in important. As in awesome.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Huh?

 

Barbarian 1 shoves Barbarian 2 aside and advances to centre stage to begin welcome.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Welcome to the primary, the first, the foremost, the aboriginal, the inaugural, the numero unero TAAFI!

 

BARBARIAN 2

(drooling)

Ooooh!

 

BARBARIAN 1

And no, contrary to what my tubby buddy’s tummy thinks, I’m not talking about the delicious gooey treat that sticks in your gums.

 

Barbarian 2 looks down at his belly, pouting and pinching.

 

BARBARIAN 1 (CONT’D)

I’m talking about the Toronto Animation Arts Festival International.

 

Barbarian 2 gives a BARBARIAN GROWL. Barbarian 1 gives a louder BARBARIAN GROWL. Barbarian 2 growls like a whistle looking the barbarian babe up and down. Barbarian 1 growls to the audience, edging them on to growl also. Barbarian 2 turns to audience and growls, waving them to join along.

 

BARBARIAN 1 (CONT’D)

Pathetic. Don’t think I heard a single barbarian growl out there. They sounded like those...those...what are those? Ya know. The tiny fluffy whatchamacallens...they meow...wee versions of cats?

 

BARBARIAN 2

Kittens?

 

BARBARIAN 1

That’s it! Sound like a bunch of soft kittens you lot do.

 

Barbarian 2 growls. Barbarian 1 turns to 2 in disgust.

 

BARBARIAN 1 (CONT’D)

(a la Crocodile Dundee)

You call that a growl?

(growls loudly)

Now that’s a growl.

 

BARBARIAN 2

I’ve ripped tongues out of men and they growl better than you.

 

BARBARIAN 1

I’ve known babes at teet who are louder than you.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Actually, that’s accurate, some of those buggers have mighty lungs on them. Could keep a neighbouring village up all night.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Fair enough. I’ll give you that one. Then I’ll give you this.

 

Fight ensues. Insert following insults: “You fight as well as a eunuch fucks.” “You as ugly as an orc.” “Yo mama so ugly medusa took one look at her and turned to stone.” Barbarian 1 wins and steps over Barbarian 2 who’s on the floor.

 

BARBARIAN 1 (CONT’D)

Now that that’s settled, it’s my privilege to introduce two of the people who thought it would be a fantastic idea to start this

festival on the sweet sweet note of balls, boobs, barbarians and boorish belches.

 

Barbarian 2 BELCHES loudly from the floor.

 

BARBARIAN 1 (CONT’D)

Must you be so uncivilized?

 

Barbarian 2 leans up on elbow to retort.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Yeah, actually, we’re pre ancient civilizations, etiquette has yet to be invented, part of our uncouth charm is out lack there of.

 

BARBARIAN 1

I thought I’d slain you...so stay slain, stay down, and say silent. Anyway, it’s my honour as an unscrupulous warrior with no honour to introduce you to TAAFI co-founders Barnabus the boil-faced Wornoff and Ben mule loving McEvoy. As Ben and Barney come onto for their remarks, Barbarian 1 drags Barbarian 2 off to the side of the stage to sit with legs dangling over the edge, ogling the barbarian babes.

 

Barbarian 1 drags Barbarian 2 up and they return to centre stage.

 

BARBARIAN 2

I don’t know about you but I haven’t a clue what any of those funny-dressed barbarians said cause I couldn’t stop looking at that bodacious babe.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Keep dreaming philistine. You wouldn’t know what to do with her even if you could club and capture her. You can’t pillage your prick

with your permanent shrinkage.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Not my fault. It’s cold. Winter is coming!

 

BARBARIAN 1

Well let’s just hope these heathens hear what we’re about to say. Which is explaining what they’re about to see.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Oh ya? What’s that?

 

BARBARIAN 1

First off is a Toronto mash-up.

 

BARBARIAN 2

You know what I like to mash up?

(smashing fist into hand)

Potatoes.

 

BARBARIAN 1

No spuds here, just stars. STYLE5 joined forces with local Toronto talent to direct a series of days in the life of this multi-cultural city.

 

BARBARIAN 2

After that there’s a super spicy sponsor film creafted by TINMAN Creative.

 

BARBARIAN 1

It features Johnny, a cartoon character voiced by The History of New Music’s Alan Cross. It shows Johnny working contract to contract over the decades of his career in Toronto.

 

BARBARIAN 2

So shut your pie holes, open your eyeholes, and enjoy.

 

Videos play.

 

BARBARIAN 2 (CONT’D)

Keep your loin clothes on, we’re almost at the main event.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Turn off your bloody beepers, smart phones, stupid phones, phones of average intelligence, and anything else that goes bump in the night. Do it now, or else feel our wrath.

 

Barbarian 1 and 2 growl.

 

BARBARIAN 1 (CONT’D)

Don’t you worry, you haven’t seen the last o’ our beautiful mugs, we’ll be making an important announcement after the credits finish rolling.

 

BARBARIAN 2

So keep you rumps in those seats or we’ll rape and pillage you.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Or you.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Or you. or you. Or you. Or...

 

BARBARIAN 1

Alright, alright, they get the picture. Now put your glasses on your noggins and get ready to enjoy our pal Ronal in his first feature film appearance.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Ronal plays, well, himself, a scrawny fella who must man up and save his village from an evil psychopathic prince.

 

BARBARIAN 1

So without much more further achoo, Ronal: The Barbarian.

 

Barbarian 1 and 2 growl and exit the stage.

 

Film screens

 

Barbarian 1 and 2 stagger back on stage with mugs in hand.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Ronal was pretty good. I think I smell Oscar.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Probably do, that heathen hasn’t bathed in years.

 

Barbarian 1 and 2 growl and cheers.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Any of you rogues planning on potentially pocketing them there glasses come right up here and we’ll knock the sense back into ya.

 

BARBARIAN 2

Literally.

 

BARBARIAN 1

Now it's time to party like it's 69 B.C.! Join us at the Nelvana Bouncing Ball gala at Maro. There will be festivities, frolicking, fun to be had.

 

BARBARIAN 2

It's located at 135 Liberty Street. Costs $20. Must check all longswords, battle axes and dirks at the door.

 

BARBARIAN 1

That moving mammoth-like creature you call streetcars that stops right outside this building will take you almost there.

 

BARBARIAN 2

So be gone.

 

BARBARIAN 1 AND BARBARIAN 2

GOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Barbarian 1 and 2 charge off stage growling loudly and screaming in the faces of audience members as they pass.